I'm Here!

I went into Friday's appointment unsure of my plans for the following week. I received my treatment and when I turned to the technician she said, "see you on the 7th. Have fun in Colorado." FINALLY I got a response that actually acknowledged the many conversations that we were all having. So, on Monday morning instead of jumping on the freeway I boarded a plane to Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

I have thought back a few times since then about my part in directing my care. I didn't want to do that at all. I knew if I didn't go it would be difficult for me. Scott would have left four kids with me and left with only one. If I went, I would be taking a break from my treatment and I have wondered many times if that will alter the efficacy of my treatment. So I guess only time will tell.

The nurses and all those I saw on Friday seemed to think it was not really a big deal. I am resting as much as I can and my skin is getting a much needed break. My hip bone is hurting more and I will need to ask about that when I return. I am somewhat afraid of the answer so I haven't yet mentioned it to anyone. I know, that's not good Stacey :-)

My family has all arrived safely in Colorado and I am going to give it my best shot to try to forget that this is part of my life for the mean time. I need a decent break from tumors, hospitals and radiation. I am thankful to be in this beautiful place with family and friends.

No One Here Knows ANYTHING!

Okay, well I brought Cameron with me to my appointment because he had an appointment soon after my treatment and the nurse chatted with him while I was being "zapped." They struck up a good conversation about our future plans in Colorado and she was mentioning this to me. I told her, funny thing you should mention us travelling to Colorado.....do you know that I plan to go and miss 6 treatments.....next week!? Of course, you already know the answer as do I. She looked a bit confused and then smiled. Huh?

I explained the situation and the inquiries that I have made over the past few days. She said that while she was not aware of the plan as long as the doctor gave the okay, there is nothing to be concerned about. I explained that I am beginning to question whether the doctor knows or not! Since I have not spoken with him about it directly, I am not confident with the wishy washy responses that I have received. I want to go but I don't want to worry about the consequences of missing those treatments.

She explained that many patients are doing the same thing because of planned vacations and travels that have been interrupted by life. I would imagine they are things like graduations, weddings.... She said don't worry about it and we will pick up where we left off when I return. I feel better but would feel much better if I could just speak to the illusive doctor! Why is he better protected than the President? At times I wonder about his actual existence but for the fact that I met with him once upon a time.

So, I will try to get the desired response tomorrow. Hey! No one can say that I haven't tried, right? As of now, I plan to go unless I am told by Dr. Z it will be detrimental to my treatment which at this point doesn't appear to be the case.

Still No Answers!

Ugh! I went in for my daily visit and on the way out asked about my travelling next week. Still no answers. Ya know how the saying goes, the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing? Well, she said, "if you didn't show up next Monday, then we would know that you weren't coming in." I am a little bit uncomfortable with that approach, particularly since I have never personally discussed it with the doctor. Messages were relayed and expressed outside my presence. I brought up the subject for peace of mind and I have everything BUT that! I don't want to compromise the efficacy of my treatment but if it won't effect it either way, I would like to go see my boy play ball with my family. I will try again tomorrow for a more reassuring answer....

Stay or Go?

Well, it's Monday which means I get the visit with the nurse but today I got to see the doctor instead. Wrong doctor BUT still a doctor! I saw the "fill-in" doc because my doctor was not in today. Anyway, I asked all of my questions that have been burning me up lately, namely what is our goal for treatment???? After she told me that I didn't have any tumors currently, I asked her to revisit my chart to save her further embarassment. Oh yeah, looks like you have two...duh! So the short answer is that radiation therapy for these types of tumors don't significantly shrink anything :( The best we can really expect is for the growth to stop. I am concerned because of the pain factor. I truly don't want to live my life in this pain, forever! I still have hope but she doused it a bit with her "info." I also mentioned that I can feel that my symptoms have increased which is an indication of the tumors growth. Which lead to my next question....

What should my expectations be for this point in my treatment? Should it still be growing? Are they checking to see if the treatment is working? With 14 treatments under my belt, I only have 2 weeks completed. I should have another month to month and a half still to go. It is really too early to expect any changes at this point. The scans they have done thus far are for positioning and not measurement of any growth or dare I say shrinkage :-)... Once treatment is done, we will scan for measurement and location...blah, blah, blah...

The burning question is whether or not I will be traveling with Cameron and the rest of my family to Colorado. Wouldn't you know, she couldn't answer that question. In all fairness to her though, how could she answer that question...she isn't my doctor! Keep in mind I haven't seen my radiation oncologist since FEBRUARY! So I will ask MY doctor tomorrow for a more clear and definitive answer. I was told before treatment would begin that I would need a break at that point and traveling would be okay. The "fill-in" doc though says she is worried of my side effects from the radiation complicating matters being away from home, ugh!

The symptoms at this point are "pink" skin in the treatment area, dry, itchy skin and fatigue. They are giving pointers on how best to moisturize the skin to keep it from becoming unbearably uncomfortable. I am working it out and in all honesty the pain is more intolerable from the tumor than from the treatment. It just down right HURTS! I have been down this road a few times and it is extremely evident to me that the tumor is growing.

Checking In...

No news really. Much of the same. I saw the nurse on Monday. Apparently I am experiencing no skin changes....which is news to me! My tattoos seem to be really small so they continue to mark on me with pen but at least the stickers are gone :)

The machine will be down tomorrow for maintenance. This news is a mixed bag. I will actually get to sleep in past 6:30 am BUT this just tacks another day on this lovely experience. I so desparately want this to be OVER!!

Tattoos-Yeah?

Well, today I FINALLY received the long awaited tattoos. One of the technicians was inquiring about my poorly adhered stickers and my nurse popped her head out and asked "do you want tattoos?" Hmmmm, is that a trick question? My answer was simply that I didn't want to constantly deal with the stickers rubbing off and the rash that ensues because of them. Do people really keep stickers on the same spot of their skin for over seven weeks?!?!!?

She said, "so you do want them?" Yeah, I think. She replied, "I just am always so hesitant about hurting people." Then she left the room and said "here we go!" I lay there for a good twenty minutes thinking what on earth is she going to do to me? Well, as it turns out, it was not really a big deal. No more than the prick that you feel when you have blood drawn....times three. I have three pretty little dots and no more stickers!!

They also sent me down to the lab for some blood work. I assume that this is routine but you know what they say about assuming....

One blasted sticker is GONE!

Well, I guess they have finally come to their senses and can see the stickers and I just don't get along. They ripped one off today and marked me with a marker instead. I have cute X's all over my back like a treasure map. There is still another sticker that is need of some attention but OBVIOUSLY we take baby steps at this joint :-)!

The radiation tech is beginning to open up to me and I quite like her. I guess she has come to the realization that I will greet her with a "good morning" (even if it isn't) and leave her with "have a great day." She is beginning to treat me like more than a piece of meat and an actual human. She has 2 cute boxer dogs and has their pictures on the machine for the patients who are sunny side up. I am not but she showed me them yesterday anyway. They are cute and we struck up a great conversation.

My treatments are 4 times longer than they were last week. I am taking 20-30 minutes in the room. Today my hands fell asleep from being in the same position for so long. It made me chuckle. All the nuances that accompany radiation. All the peculiarities...I see to experience them all! Go figure!!

I finish this week tomorrow and look forward to a much needed rest. I have been very exhausted and with all of the kids activities this week, it has been trecherous!

I'll be in touch...